217: How Can We Identify and Overcome Self-Sabotage Behaviours at Work?

Aoife O’Brien [00:00:08]:

Hello, and welcome to this week’s solo episode of the award winning Happier at Work podcast. Now the topic I wanna talk about today is all of the ways that we get in our own way, the things that block us from success. And I have a really personal example to share of this. Well, someone else’s example, let’s say, but it really got me thinking of the kinds of things that can hold us back in our career. So I’ve been thinking for a while, and I’d love to put a framework together on this. But some of the topics that I have come up with of the things that get in our way, So first of all, is playing the victim. So blaming our circumstances for the things that are happening to us. Oh, it’s not my fault.

Aoife O’Brien [00:00:52]:

It’s because of this, this, and this, and always using these types of excuses. And you’re always at the receiving end of something bad that has happened and you’re living in victim mode. And I suppose for a lot of these mindsets, it’s about being able to identify that you are living in this. So I’m sharing this today as a way to help you to either identify this in yourself or if you see it in someone else that you’re able to have that conversation, that you’re able to help them and help them to see the kind of pattern that they are creating as well. So another one, and I’ve talked about this several times on the podcast before, is fear. So when we have a sense of fear about something, whether we are fear, whether we fear being judged, whether we fear success, fear failure, all of these kinds of fears, they can block us in our career as well. And then another area is people pleasing. So when we put other people’s needs ahead of our own, almost like we’re self sacrificing that our needs are no longer important.

Aoife O’Brien [00:01:59]:

We want to make sure that other people are happy, but we’re doing that at the expense of ourselves, our own needs, our own wants and desires. Another aspect or another type of mindset that we can look at is superiority. So that’s feeling like you are better than other people around you, that you somehow deserve different treatment, that you speak to people as if maybe they’re not as clever as you are. All of these kinds of things. And then another one is being on a power trip. So I had a conversation with someone. It was either before or after we were recording the podcast, but it was about how he perceived other people were treating, it was waiting staff, in a restaurant and how he explicitly said, I want to isn’t it great how I have power over these these people these people? And really just exerting that type of power or giving that impression to other people is like for me, it’s a turnoff. For him, it was a huge turnoff as well.

Aoife O’Brien [00:03:03]:

Then there’s the scarcity mindset. So there’s only enough or there’s only so much to go around and there’s not enough for everyone. So we need to compete with each other. We need to fight all the time for the resources because they’re limited. Then there’s complacency. So resting on your laurels, you’re not taking any specific actions to move forward in your career. You’re you’re not putting yourself out there in any way. You’re just kind of happy where you are, but maybe you’re not that happy.

Aoife O’Brien [00:03:31]:

You’re just kind of using this complacency mindset to stay stuck where it is you are. And then another one is the martyr complex. And so the martyr complex is, again, it’s this idea of self sacrificing. So you’re completely sacrificing all of your needs and your wants and your desires in order to fulfill someone else, but you do it out of this sense that, like, you’re going to be recognized in some way. If people offer help, then you’re not necessarily going to take that help because you feel that you need to do it all yourself. So if you want me to go into more detail on any of those, I’ll be happy to expand. But the real reason that we’re here today is I wanted to share a personal example, like I said. And this is about a sense of entitlement.

Aoife O’Brien [00:04:17]:

And, again, this is something that we can all experience. I’m sure I’ve done this at some stages in my career as well, but I’ve been on the receiving end of someone who I think is very entitled. So I’ll give a bit of, intro into what this sense of entitlement actually looks like. And then I’m going to also share that example as well of how that showed up in real life. So a sense of entitlement is an unrealistic and unmerited or an exaggerated expectation of favorable treatment. So I should treat this person differently because they’re special in some way that they they should be treated differently. And a kind of way that this might show up is I deserve the promotion because I’ve been here the longest. So that is something that someone might think when it comes to that sense of entitlement.

Aoife O’Brien [00:05:15]:

And another couple of things in relation to that, like, it can really impact on how how we show up. So we can think things like, or we don’t need to put in as much effort. We don’t need to put in as much persistence as other people. We don’t necessarily adapt to any changes that are happening because we think that we’re above that. It can lead to conflict with other people if you can, strain our relationships with other people because we we have expectations that they will meet our demands and they don’t necessarily. It can cause frustration as well. It can make us not as good as prop at solving problems as necessarily we could be. And in this specific example, I’ll I’ll share a little bit of a story and it’s it is podcast related.

Aoife O’Brien [00:06:08]:

So someone reached out to me to invite me to be on his podcast, and I was really flattered. You know, of course, he used all the great language. Oh, I love what you’re doing. I love your work. You have so much to share. I love this model that you have. Everything, you know, is all so positive. So we got on a call.

Aoife O’Brien [00:06:28]:

We had an amazing discussion. He really listened to my journey and how I arrived at doing what I did today. And he invited me to be on his podcast, which actually, as it turns out, is not a podcast. It’s just a YouTube channel. And I thought I would reciprocate the favor, and I invited him to be on my podcast as well. So we had our conversation. I must admit the conversation wasn’t as good as our original conversation. So I’m not sure.

Aoife O’Brien [00:06:56]:

Maybe the chemistry was gone. Not sure exactly what happened, but it wasn’t as good as our original one. And when it came to the podcast episode being released or the YouTube video being released, he let me know that it was out there. I presume he shared a link with me, but he didn’t share anything else to promote it. Like, there was no kind of when I share stuff with my guests, I give them videos. I give them, a reminder of what we spoke about. I give them images that they can use. I give them quotes and sound bites from the episode.

Aoife O’Brien [00:07:31]:

I give them so much stuff. And I started asking for more stuff, you know. Oh, can you send me maybe an image? And so he sent me a headshot of himself. You know, there was all these things that were happening. Anyway, in the mix of all of this happening, he somehow added me to his email list, but it wasn’t actually an email list that you would expect. Like, it was no it wasn’t GDPR compliant. It was just that it was, it wasn’t GDPR compliant. It it was just an email that was sent in BCC, essentially.

Aoife O’Brien [00:08:07]:

That’s what it was. And I got these emails and I kept getting them and getting them. I wasn’t reading them, but I could see them popping up all the time. The same subject line, you know, the same email essentially sent multiple times. And then more recently, he started signing them with the exclamation mark, meaning that they were super important and I had to read these emails. And I did read one email and it said I’ve set up an email list. Click here if you want to join my email list. And I thought, oh, finally he’s gone GDPR compliant.

Aoife O’Brien [00:08:35]:

Proper email list. I won’t be getting these emails anymore. And then we continue to get the same email. So I wrote back and I said, listen, you know, there is this thing called GDPR, and it that’s great that you have these, know, there is this thing called GDPR and it that’s great that you have these things. And it just escalated from there. So it all came out then. What he really wanted from me was for me to introduce him to my network. And in a later email, it emerged that he shouldn’t need to ask me to connect him with my network.

Aoife O’Brien [00:09:05]:

That should just be a given. So by him inviting me onto his YouTube channel, I should have connected him with people within my network in order for him to be able to work with them. So he seemed to think that that was a fair exchange. And I think the the idea of reciprocity kind of comes to mind here. In the end, what happened was, I decided after that interaction, I thought I don’t want to have this person on my podcast. And I really gave it a lot of thought. I really, really did give it a lot of thought, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And after that interaction, he just got really, really nasty.

Aoife O’Brien [00:09:52]:

I wrote him an email, and I said, after our interaction, I don’t feel like I want to have you on my podcast. And he wrote back and said, well, that’s unfortunate, and started giving me a list of business advice that I haven’t asked for, unsolicited business advice, and telling me that he took down the video that he had made. So an absolute and utter pure example of a sense of entitlement. The only, only reason that he got in touch with me was for me to connect him with my network. The other thing that he said in that final email that he gave me was that it’s my audience’s loss that he won’t be able to share this wisdom that he’s built up over his career. So the idea that you guys who are listening to the podcast today, you’re really gonna miss out from all of this will wisdom that he has about creating happiness in the workplace and in one’s career. So my apologies to you that you’re gonna miss out of this amazing wisdom that this man had to share. I’m curious to know, as someone who listens to the podcast, would you want someone like him to be a guest on the podcast? I am genuinely curious.

Aoife O’Brien [00:11:07]:

It’s not gonna change my mind, but I’d love to know if you wanna let me know on social media. Let me know on the comments as well about what you think about what’s going on here. The other thing that I wanted to look at was a little bit of context around what people think when they have this sense of entitlement, because I think there’s no one who’s really immune to it at some point or other or another. Maybe I’m just talking for myself. I’ve certainly felt these feelings as well. But some of the thoughts that people, when they have this entitlement, is I deserve special treatment because I’m me. So you see yourself as other. You see yourself as slightly different and better than other people.

Aoife O’Brien [00:11:49]:

And so in my interactions specifically with him, he seemed to perceive himself as above other people. So I have such a wealth of experience in the career and happiness sphere that your audience is really going to miss out by not having me as part of the guest program, essentially. Others should cater to my needs without reciprocation. So I should never have had he should never have had to need me to invite him to be on my podcast. He should never have had to explain to me that I should, he should never have had to explain to me that I should introduce him to my network. That should just have happened automatically with him having without him having to ask me. But also kind of building on that. He didn’t reciprocate the same thing to me, so the thought never even crossed his mind that he should introduce me to his network before I introduce him to mine.

Aoife O’Brien [00:12:51]:

I shouldn’t have to struggle. Things should come easily to me. Definitely, this is something that that has happened to me. And I think when we’re having a tough time, it it can make things a little bit harder. Like, why me? Why do I have to struggle so much? My opinions and ideas are inherently better than others. Again, tying back to this idea that he has such an amazing amount of wisdom built up over his career that he couldn’t possibly not share that with my audience. I’m entitled to success without competition or setbacks. So, obviously, this is a bit of a setback for him when it comes to, you know, podcast guesting, to spreading his message, whatever it might be.

Aoife O’Brien [00:13:32]:

The other thing that I wanted to add is I check my emails. So all of his emails are going into junk at the moment. They’re all just default into junk. But I just wanted to check to see if they’re still getting those emails, The BCC emails, I’m still getting those because he sent one email through a proper system, and I unsubscribe straight away. But I’m still getting those BCC emails. So to me, that also shows he’s not really learning. The other thing I wanted to share is, like, if you’re going through this for me or or working with someone who you think might have this sense of entitlement. It’s how do you get over that? And for me, it’s this idea of humility.

Aoife O’Brien [00:14:11]:

So bringing a bit of humility into what it is that you’re doing. But on top of that, I read this book recommended by one of my past podcast guests, Dan Norenberg, and it’s called The Go Giver. And it’s a short fable style book, and it’s all about someone who’s not having a great day in terms of, sales or some you know, or maybe just generally things are all going horribly wrong, but he’s very much focused on himself. But when he starts putting the focus on other people and how he can help others, things begin to change and that reciprocity kicks in. So when he starts putting other people first and helping others and you’re not helping others in order to get something back from them, you’re helping others because you’re you want to be in service. But when you start putting that focus there instead, things tend to start coming back to you. So that’s something, you know, a a final thought that I thought I would leave you with if that’s something that you’re experiencing. But as always, I’d love to know what you think of today’s episode.

Aoife O’Brien [00:15:16]:

Do let me know If you’re watching on YouTube, then let me know in the comments below. If you’re listening, don’t forget to leave me a rating or a review.