283: Stop Waiting for Permission

Aoife O’Brien [00:00:01]:

A few weeks ago, my cousin said something to me that absolutely stopped me in my tracks. And so it prompted me to make this episode. Today, I’m going to share something a little bit personal, but for you, I want you to be aware if you’re seeing this behavior in yourself, if you’ve noticed it, there are some actions at the end, but really it’s about thinking, do you show up in this way at the moment? And just being aware of where you’re doing that and being able to stop. So what did he say to me? This is the Hack youp at Work podcast, the award winning show for people First Leaders. I’m your host, Aoife o’, Brien, the career and culture strategist for Global Leaders and Teams. What he said to me was I asked a question to him, should I take a selfie with us all together? He was in visiting from abroad and he looked at me and he started complaining and he said, why do women always ask for permission? Go empower yourselves. And it really shocked me to the core because if I’m asking permission for something as simple as wanting to take a selfie with the group, what else am I asking for permission to do? And so it got me reflecting. And I’m sure I’m not the only person who does this, and especially since he complained it’s about women.

Aoife O’Brien [00:01:20]:

Maybe it’s not just women, maybe it’s everyone who experiences this, but I know the majority of people who listen to this podcast who are women, and I thought that this could help you today. So maybe that permission seeking shows up in a little bit of a different way. I know the story I shared was personal, but it got me thinking of how many other ways is this showing up for us in work? And so one of those ways is hesitating before taking action. Are you thinking about things twice? Are you stopping yourself from putting yourself forward? Maybe you’re holding yourself back in some way. You’re not putting yourself forward for opportunities. You’re waiting for someone to actually notice what you’re doing. And so there are lots of ways that we can be permission seeking without actually asking for permission. But there are also ways where we’re waiting for someone to notice us.

Aoife O’Brien [00:02:08]:

There are ways that we are not giving ourselves permission to live up to our full potential. This can also show up as saying yes, when actually you’d really rather say no, or, as I learned on a podcast a few months ago, saying yes if. And that means yes if we can take this other thing off my plate. So you want to appease people you want to. To please them. Why does this happen in the first place? Well, the first thing is fear of judgment or what are people going to think? What are people going to say about me? Am I coming across as arrogant if I just put my opinion forward or if I just do what I want to do, what will people say? The other thing is imposter syndrome. Who do I think I am to do this? I’m not senior enough to speak up. Then there’s perfectionism that can hold us back.

Aoife O’Brien [00:02:57]:

This needs to be just right before I share with the world, or this has to be phrased in exactly the right way before I can speak up. And then maybe there’s a cultural side of things. So it could be your upbringing, it could be the culture that you live in that you don’t want to rock the boat. You want to be seen as agreeable. You don’t want to be that person who puts their opinion forward and shares what’s going on for them. You want to ask and get consensus from other people first. But the thing is, this kind of behavior limits us in so many ways, especially when it comes to advancing our careers. If we’re waiting for someone to notice us, if we’re waiting for someone to give us permission to put ourselves forward, for opportunities, to speak up, to take our career back into our own hands, and to take the reins on managing our career strategically.

Aoife O’Brien [00:03:50]:

As I mentioned at the start, really what I want you to do is just notice that this behavior is happening. If that is you, notice that this is what you’re doing, notice that you’re defaulting to the, let’s say the most powerful person in the room or the person who you perceive has more seniority to you, that you’re defaulting to their opinions and you’re not stepping up and owning yourself. So first of all, noticing that behavior. But there are some things that we can do. We can practice micro bravery. So those small actions that we can take that take back our power, where we don’t have to ask for permission, speak up about something small. Stand in your values, share what’s going on for you, post something internally in the chat, or post something publicly on LinkedIn, have an attitude of asking for forgiveness rather than asking for permission. So if it’s something that’s low stakes, if it’s something that you really care deeply about, take action first.

Aoife O’Brien [00:05:01]:

And then if things don’t work out, seek forgiveness rather than seeking permission. Another thing that we can do is name it. Name that fear. What is the thing that’s holding us back. Those fears I mentioned at the start, the fear of judgment, the imposter syndrome, what is it that’s holding you back? What is it that means that you feel you need to ask people for permission before taking action. And the last idea that I have around this is to be a leader. So you don’t have to have the title of leader to act like a leader. A leader leads and other people follow them.

Aoife O’Brien [00:05:35]:

So what can you do to not have to ask for permission to be the leader, to own your strengths around that? And another previous podcast episode is just popping into my mind with Carla Miller where she talks about the cloak of authority. So similar to Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility, she uses the cloak of authority when she’s going into those high stakes situations. So put on that cloak of authority and act like a leader. I’ll put a link below in the show notes to that episode where she talks about that. And I also talk an awful lot about imposter syndrome. So I’ll put a link to the most recent episode about imposter syndrome below as well. And to wrap up today’s episode, what’s one thing that you can see where you’re looking for permission, where you’re not asking for forgiveness but you’re rather asking for permission? What’s just one thing that you’ve noticed? Identify that one thing. The next step is to give yourself permission.

Aoife O’Brien [00:06:35]:

Give yourself permission to take whatever action needs to happen in order to progress, whatever it is that you’re trying to progress. What would that look like? Can you picture it now? You taking back the reins, taking control and making that decision for yourself and giving yourself permission. How does that look? How does that feel for you? The final thought I want to leave you with is that no one is coming to grant you permission. You need to give yourself permission because you already have that permission. So go out and do what it is that you are here to do. I really hope you enjoyed this short solo episode. My reflections from a personal experience that I. I had.

Aoife O’Brien [00:07:20]:

It just really got me thinking about how we show up in the world. And just when we think we might have stuff figured out, maybe we don’t have it all figured out at all. Noticing those behaviors I think is. Is really, really important. So I hope this resonated with you today and I’d love for you to get involved in the conversation. I’m Most active on LinkedIn, so you feel free to connect with me there. Leave me a comment if you’re watching on YouTube, put a comment below the video. If you’re listening on Apple or Spotify, don’t forget to leave a rating or review.

Aoife O’Brien [00:07:53]:

And that’s been it for this week’s episode of Happier at Work podcast. I’m your host, Aoife o’, Brien. And until next week, I’ll be back.